I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
