Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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