My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
