I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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