I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
a search helicopter?!
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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