things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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