I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
