Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
