You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
