If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
