i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
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