R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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