I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
