is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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