why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
