So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
