I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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