oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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