There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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