I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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