dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
