Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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