yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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