My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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