i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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