I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
