listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
