gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
