I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
