Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
