how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
