You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
