Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
