Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
