know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
