Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
i used baking grease as lip gloss
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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