I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
