she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?