They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Dating After Heartbreak
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.