A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
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She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
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If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment