Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
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He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
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So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee