Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
