Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
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I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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