My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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