Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You are the jesus of drinking
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
