somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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