Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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