Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
