I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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