I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
