I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I deserve this hangover.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
