The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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