Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
