You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
