Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Randomize
