Define "chronic" masturbator.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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