i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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