so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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