There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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