you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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