How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
