wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm too high and old for this...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
