Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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