Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
