I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
