but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
