fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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